Posts Tagged ‘wife’

Love is just so much work sometimes. Let me explain, for almost the past two months I have been in Guatemala at language school frying my brain learning Spanish. When I came here with my wife I was basically starting at zero. So every day I go to language school for four hours then come home with a head that has worked so hard that thinking becomes a task… So as a result reading my bible has become difficult, praying for anything besides “Lord help me learn this.” has been a challenge. Thinking about deep theology has become nearly impossible it seems and all I want to do is well….. NOTHING!! I’m pooped! Exhausted mentally and I just want to sit here and let my mind go blank! I don’t want to read my bible, pray (except for help), or answer theological questions from my wife. I can barley answer any of my own questions at the moment!

So back to my first sentence, Love is just so hard sometimes… Like now! I don’t want to “stop and spend time with Jesus” or “just get in the word” or “lead my wife.” But the reality is I NEED TO!! Don’t get me wrong I still Love my wife and I still Love Jesus. I just have really dropped the ball lately on acting that love out. I haven’t been working hard in these relationships.. with the excuse of “I’m tired!” which we both know is well… stupid.

Ashley and I have been reading our bibles and praying but I just have been putting in a small effort when I know I need to be giving so much more. I am commanded to Love the Lord with all my heart soul mind and strength. I am also commanded to Love my wife. I know Love is more than just telling them I Love them its showing them, with time, with gifts, whatever is required. I am capable of more than what I have been doing. The Lord will supply all I need to complete His tasks. I just need to stop relying on this garbage that is my flesh and run back to Jesus. I need to continue to work out my faith, I need to continue building up in righteousness, and I need to keep reading the life giving Word of God. I need to pray with all my heart and be honest with God. And I need to lead my wife and buy her flowers a little bit more often.

With the Lord I am capable of completing all of my responsibilities. I am capable of Loving my wife, Loving the Lord, learning spanish, and spreading the good news of Jesus. I’m capable of leading my wife, growing my faith, and learning more about the Lord, my first Love. I just need to have more self discipline, put down the games and other things I’m wasting my time with and do what the Lord my master and King has commanded me to do. For one day I will stand before the Lord and I want to hear “well done.”

Advertisements

So I’m going to be honest my biggest struggle in my life has been lust. I never really struggled with talking to girls as I grew up so this didn’t help at all… I think if I was afraid to talk to girls then it would have been easier to avoid this temptation. Sense I had no trouble talking to girls picking up chicks became my hobby. I know that sounds bad but really that’s what it was. Where ever I went the goal became to flirt with a girl. It was fun and I didn’t see any harm in it. I never crossed the line by having sex and I respected any girl I was with so I thought nothing could be wrong with what I was doing. I never did any real “relationships” so I could avoid any heartbreak (witch that plan didn’t work out so great, I broke hearts and my heart got broke as well.)

After a while I grew tired of the “different party different girl” thing and I longed for something more. I wanted someone who would love me back. I have had a few girls from my past that I really did choose to love but there was no commitment between us and so no love was returned. I got sick of being the one that girls went to to be healed, the one to go to to cry on. I was a stable man who wouldn’t abandon them so I took a role that I never should have taken. I became a rescuer, I pored myself into these girls and did what i could do to help them. I was being their comforter, a job that I should have left for God. I tried to heal what really I could not. I gave them the emotional comfort they needed and well then they left me or I left them because I knew that the relationship would only be based on the attachment of what I rescued them from, not me. This led to allot of emotional heart ach fome becoming attached to the ones I “helped”.

So now for the past five years I have been single and have only had a few dates. I went from constantly surrounding myself with girls to just waiting to pursue the right one. I no longer wanted to “have fun and date” I wanted a real relationship and I wanted a Biblical relationship. I had no clue what this even meant! Heck I’m still learning what it is but the thing that led me to write this is the book “Emotional Purity” by Heather Arnel Paulsen. Yeah I know, those of you who know what the book is know its more directed toward women but the book is for both men and women. This book enlightened me to allot of things I was doing in my past and helped me realize why I got hurt even though I never “crossed the line of physical purity” and didn’t have a “relationship” or broke my rules. I learned more about guarding my heart and saving my emotions for my future wife. It cleared up allot of things that I remember hearing growing up in the church but never really understood. It showed me what It really meant to pray for my future wife and what I was really saving. This book showed me how I can have a a friendship with the opposite sex by defining the relationship that way there is no confusion on the intentions of the relationship. And most of all it has helped me in my struggle for contentment. I discovered that the root of my struggle with lust was my discontentment with Jesus. This was a harsh reality to realize but I saw it to be true. It explained why I felt such a need for a woman, I wasn’t content with having God alone. I thought that to be truly satisfied in that way by my wife not God, I realized that that was a lie that somehow entered my mind. But now I see I had unrealistic expectations of my wife and this would have destroyed any relationship I could have possibly had. Now I know and understand that God is the only source of true and eternal satisfaction. Looking into it I feel like this is such an elementary truth that I didn’t understand that ONLY GOD SATISFIES!

This book has been such a great tool for the holy Spirit to show me how to better love Jesus. My Love for Jesus is now at a whole new level and I cant wait to love Him more and more! Being content with just Jesus! It sounds crazy to those that don’t understand but it is truly a great love! I love Jesus and he will give me a wife someday but now I’m happy with Jesus. And I pray that my wife will show me how to love Jesus even more! I’m content with Gods timing for that gift, for now I know he has a plan for my single years. God is good!

“Father, my life is in Your hands. You provide for me moment by moment. I ask that you open my eyes to see your unfailing love for me and help my stubborn heart to trust you fully. I know that I will not be single a day longer than you want me to be, and in that I find rest from this mind game of wondering and waiting. Open doors of ministry for me so that I may serve where you want me to serve. Help me protect my emotions from the pitfall of having intimacy before commitment. All I could want or all that could satisfy me is wrapped up in my relationship with You. Allow me to rest in You and to fall more in love with You each day. In your Son’s Holy and precious name, Jesus, Amen.”-prayer at the end of the book

I encourage everyone to read this book, it has helped my relationship with not only friends, but prepared me for my future wife, and it helped my relationship with Jesus Christ. Witch is the most important! I love my King.